The alarm goes off and I have that feeling again. My mind, my body just won’t move. I've lost control again and I've sunk back into that deep hole of depression. I try and get up. I try and talk myself into the day. I try and set the alarm again, figuring I’ll just go in a little late to work. Somedays this works, today is not that day.
In fact, that has how most days have been for me since I was in my college. Some years were better than others, and I could make it through. When I was in therapy I would start to feel better, but as soon as therapy ended so did the good feelings.
This ugly pattern has continued for so many years, until I finally hit bottom. Losing job after job, canceling on event after event, spending months in bed. Barely being able to function or even caring if I did.
Finally, at the age of 36, I'm beginning to crawl out of the that hole. But it is taking a lot of therapy and medication. I still pray everyday that I will get back to myself and want to participate in life, in the life I want to live. I want to be happy and successful, but the fear and anxiety are still lingering just below the surface, making me wonder when the next nose dive will happen.
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